I need a new lens

Today, I can’t seem to focus on anything. I’m jumpy. I’m frustrated. I want answers, but it’s the questions I don’t know. How did this come about?

Maybe it was talking with Adam yesterday. He is considering marriage and moving to Thailand when he retires. Seriously, wasn’t it just a year ago that he needed space? Now I learn he has been living with her since I left. Wow, I guess he didn’t need that much space.

Maybe it is from balancing my accounts for the end of the year. Our expenses less what Adam contributes puts me into debt by thousands every month. How will I continue at this pace?

Maybe it’s my upcoming surgery. I’ve started having ripping pain in my abdomen. My pants don’t fit – not because of weight – but because my growing uterus.

Maybe it is knowing the challenges in the coming years will test me. I worry they will break me.

Or maybe it is the combination of everything.

In the past, this blog has given me the space to vent, scream, encourage you to be on my side. However, since Adam has started reading it, I’m afraid. He quotes it back to me. I ask if he wants me to stop. He says no. But then he quotes it back to me again. I’m trapped in my own words.

I have the dearest friend who checks on me every day. I have other friends who check on me regularly. They are so kind. They listen. They do not judge. They know my limits. They only want is best for me. That is what friends do. They want what is best for each other.

Adam wants to be my friend. But does he want what is best for me? I don’t think so. He wants what is best for himself. I try to see him with only eyes of love…seeing what is best. It’s not working.

What I need is a new lens to re-focus.

Guiding Card of the Day: Cupid – awaken the love within, love yourself.  This is harder done than said.